


ghosts and regrets

by Mister_Scandalous



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Human, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders is Bad at Feelings, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders is Not a Good Friend, Apologies, Bullying, Corpses, Dead Logic | Logan Sanders, Flashbacks, Gen, Ghosts, Graphic Description of Corpses, Grief/Mourning, Hurt Logic | Logan Sanders, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Insecure Logic | Logan Sanders, Jealousy, Logic | Logan Sanders Angst, Logic | Logan Sanders Has Terrible Parents, Not Beta Read, Picani is there for a brief second, Regret, Sad Logic | Logan Sanders, Sorry it's just how it was, Sympathetic Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Sympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders, Sympathetic Logic | Logan Sanders, Sympathetic Morality | Patton Sanders, Sympathetic Sides (Sanders Sides), Time Skips, Trauma, Unsympathetic Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Unsympathetic Sides (Sanders Sides), ask to tag, brotherly creativitwins - Freeform, but not really, implied/referenced eating disorder, no beta we die like logan, only in the past
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-09
Updated: 2020-08-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:00:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25799335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mister_Scandalous/pseuds/Mister_Scandalous
Summary: The corpse of the school valedictorian Logan Star was found in his bathroom.-Virgil and his friends return to an old house five years after.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Logic | Logan Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders & Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders & Logic | Logan Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders & Logic | Logan Sanders, Deceit | Janus Sanders & Logic | Logan Sanders, Deceit | Janus Sanders & Morality | Patton Sanders, Logic | Logan Sanders & Everyone, Logic | Logan Sanders & Morality | Patton Sanders
Comments: 19
Kudos: 118





	ghosts and regrets

**Author's Note:**

  * For [duaa](https://archiveofourown.org/users/duaa/gifts).
  * Inspired by [don't you give me up (please don't give up)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25112095) by [duaa](https://archiveofourown.org/users/duaa/pseuds/duaa). 



> I want you all to know how many times I had to stop myself from turning this into a ghost story.

It was late in the afternoon; the sun was already starting to set. A car was parked in front of an abandoned old house. Inside the car was a man, sitting in the driver’s seat, his hands clutched tightly on the steering wheel and his eyes darting back and forth from the street in front of him and to the house. The man brushed a fringe of hair away from his face as he breaths out heavily. He was a college student and it was in the middle of fall. The chilly October air, the dark skies, and the smattering of orange and brown leaves on the street brought a feeling of dread to the situation.

(“It’s the perfect time,” he had reasoned, bringing out his favorite purple jacket, with handsewn patches all over, “It’s when everything starts to die,”)

This was not where he was supposed to be, but it was where he was needed the most. Out of respect, at least.

-

They hadn’t discovered the body until at least three days later, the police reports say. The parents of the victim somehow hadn’t thought to check on their child until then.  
  
“We had assumed he was just busy,” they had said, “All those big tests coming up y’know,”  
  
The mother, who had worried enough to go into her son’s room, had found the corpse in the bathroom, glassy lifeless eyes staring up at her. The stench and the flies had been overwhelming. Her scream was loud enough for the neighbors to hear.

-

Beside the man in the car was his friend who was dressed in far too little clothing for the season. The friend was as silent as the man beside them. Their eyes were focused, looking outside the car window; looking at the house. They were as still as a statue and whatever thoughts were going through their head they did not say out loud. This was uncharacteristic of them.

At the backseat of the car were three other people; though the man was surprised they were there at all. They were all silent. None of them knew what to say, if there was anything to say at all. It was just them and the empty old house.  
  
“Virgil? Are we going to go in?” someone from the backseat asked. He had circular glasses in gold frames and his clothes were different shades of blues and grays. Patton is his name; an old best friend  
  
And Virgil is the name of the man in the driver’s seat.

-

(“Do you know who you were named after? It’s amazing, you know! Virgil is the name of an ancient Roman poet and he wrote three of the most famous poems of Latin literature. I think you’d be interested in such works,”  
  
“Great. My name just got worse and you know I don’t care much about that nerdy shit,”)

-

Remus was the name of Virgil’s friend. They were often talkative, finding comfort in telling people about morbid twisted topics. They were quiet today. They’ve been quiet for a long time. They saw on the street was corpses upon corpses with the same blue eyes. They did not say anything about them. Instead, they looked up at the old house, at the singular person they can see inside it. At the only human who had understood them. They did not say anything about him either.

-  
  


Logan Star was exactly what his last name implied: a star. He was the valedictorian of their class and everybody had hailed him as the smartest student of the school. Universities were on their knees, begging him to apply. (Logan once mentioned that if there was something he looked forward to, it was going to college because he loved to learn and it was his favorite thing to do.) Anything you can do, it is guaranteed he can do better. That was just how it was with him.  
  
But just because he was amazing didn’t mean anybody liked him. It was no secret that most students were put off about his accomplishments and that teachers barely looked after him. They assumed it was because he was so perfect that he didn’t need any help. The fact that he never showed any insights into how he was doing didn’t do much for him either.

-

Remus has a brother, Roman. Roman was in the backseat of the car. Roman kept his face clean-shaven and his hair neat. He wore pretty clothes and pretty words; all to hide the fact he had the exact same problems as his sibling. It was not the corpses he saw, but the memories of what had happened to them. He did not say anything about them either. He did, however, reach over the shoulder of his sibling and offered a hand to hold. He did not look at the house. He did not need to; he already knew what was there.  
  


-

  
(“Did you hear that Star reported this kid John for cheating today?”  
  
“Honestly, he should learn to lay off more often. It’s not like it’s hurting his grades,”)

-

Patton and Janus did not want to be here, but they went anyways. Janus came because he wanted to stop lying to the others; Patton came because he wanted to stop lying to himself. They both came to face their past actions. It wasn’t any more complicated than that. It didn’t make it any easier though.

-

  
Even Logan’s friend Virgil wouldn’t lie that he himself was bitter about him. He was ashamed to admit that maybe that the bitterness had turned into a full-fledged hatred, which was completely unfair and unfounded now that he looked back at it.

But that was how it went, and he had vented his insecurities to the rest of the friend group without Logan present. It came out that the rest of the group had mild complaints about him too, petty things turned way too big in the flames of their frustrations with themselves.

Logan was socially inept, cold, and mean they had said. He was unfair and didn’t care about their feelings. He was boring and brought down the conversation. They hated him.  
  
(These things were barely true. They knew that. They didn’t care at the time.)  
  
They were young and foolish and let their jealousy take over them. Months had passed and they barely talked with Logan anymore. There was a small part in Virgil that was a bit guilty to how they acted, but it had been brushed aside in favor of pride.  
  
One night Virgil had accidentally sent a joke to Logan instead of Remus. He texted a quick apology then promptly ignored the message Logan sent, inquiring the meaning of his text.  
  
It didn’t matter Virgil had reasoned.

(Three days later, the body of Logan Star was found in his bathroom.)  
  
(Logan never did get to go to college.)

-

Virgil didn’t respond to Patton’s question. He didn’t know the answer. Remus, who was beside him, broke their gaze from the house. They turned to look at the backseat, meeting the eyes of their brother Roman, and their partner Janus. They held eye contact for a moment, a silent conversation happening between them, and then they turned to Patton and nodded.  
  
“We should go in now,” Remus said, “If we wait any longer, it would be too dark to do anything,”

Virgil heaved out a shuddery breath. No going back now. He looked for a moment at his white-knuckled hands, then turned to the door and stepped out of the car. The others followed after him. 

  
-

Virgil was there because he needed to be. We already knew that. Virgil was there because of the twisting painful feelings in his stomach that had been there for half a decade now. He was there because he still cried at night, still had nightmares. He was there because he was done with being a coward because he had to stop running away. Virgil was there because he was sorry and he missed his friend.

-  
  


Logan Star had died a week into August. He was 17 years old, about to turn 18 only a few months later.  
  
He killed himself, found with his favorite tie around his throat, obstructing his airway. It was all over the news. “Star Student Committed Suicide,” the headlines said. Logan would have hated the pun.

No one had expected it to happen.

It was what everybody talked about in school until the end of the year. The school even arranged all the students to meet in the gymnasium to mourn the loss of their top student. The principal rattled on about how Logan’s death impacts the school and how the students should learn from this tragedy.

“What a load of bullshit,” Virgil whispered to Janus beside him, though his insults didn’t hide the tears streaming down his face.

They later called up a psychiatrist on the stage, Doctor Picani. He was the same Doctor who was brought to Logan’s house to determine what led him to take his life. He talked in a soft but serious manner about mental health. He explained vaguely how the things came about. Depression he had mentioned. Eating problems, isolation. Take care of yourselves, Picani stressed.

Always have friends by your side to support you.

-

They entered the house. Mr and Mrs Star had abandoned it after the loss of their son. They had blamed themselves and each other for what happened. After they had gone, nobody had dared to move into a house where someone had died in. It was left to ruin for years.

The inside was dusty and mostly empty, with only a few pieces of furniture left strewn about. Virgil shivered as he looked around. He could remember coming here to hang out with Logan. He saw glimpses of memories in the old house as if they were ghosts coming back to haunt them.  
  
“I missed this place,” Roman whispered, “I miss Logan,”

“Why did we never come back?”

-

They met up later by the playground after class. After the mess that was the school assembly. They sat there, finally taking in what had happened.

Roman was sobbing into Remus’ chest, the siblings seeking each other for comfort for the first time in years. Remus was silent but their eyes were bloodshot.  
  


(From tears at night, Roman whispered to Virgil later on, they had been sober for a month and will keep being sober for the years to come.)

Patton had his face buried in his hands, an occasional whimper escaping. Janus was rubbing Patton’s back for comfort, his other hand holding Virgil’s in a tight grip.  
  
_“Always have friends by your side to support you,” Picani had said.  
  
_Logan had nobody.

-  
  
They climbed up the stairs to Logan’s room. The door was a cool shade of blue, faded indigo, paint peeling off of the wood. Janus was the one who moved to unlock the door.

All of Logan’s things were still there, untouched. It was as if they had stepped into a moment in time. Logan’s large collection of books stilled filled his bookshelf to the brim. His textbooks on his desk were open as if he had only gotten up to take a break in his studies. His blue bedsheets were still set neatly. The glow-in-the-dark stars were still stuck to the ceiling. A fact that made hearts clench.

-

(Logan loved the stars. Roman had often joked about Logan being one of them, considering his last name. Logan flushed whenever it was brought up.  
  
Logan was one of the stars, Virgil had decided. You never know if a star is dying until it’s too late. Because they were so far away, by the time the light reaches the Earth, the star has already gone.  
  
_“There are usually two things that happen to a dying star,” Logan had told him, “they either blow up into a supernova or collapse into a black hole,”_  
  
Virgil always thought Logan would become a supernova. He was wrong.)

-

They looked around the house a little more, their eyes avoiding the bathroom. They had come here to pay their respects to Logan, years too late and no longer the young teenagers they used to be.  
  
Logan had left no suicide note so they didn’t know what he had thought before he left. Logan wasn’t buried in this town. He was buried in the family graveyard with the rest of the Stars. They didn’t know where that was and even if they did, they wouldn’t be allowed inside in the first place. Logan had a private funeral, which had been family only, so they didn’t get a chance then either.  
  
They had drifted apart afterwards, their selfish actions only part of the dominoes that was Logan’s mental health and their own lives. It was only recently that they had finally reconnected and talked about what had happened.

  
(“Logan was already struggling before we left him,” Patton had said, “What we did just made things worse,”)

So here they were. If Virgil closed his eyes he could imagine the feeling of Logan’s icy stare on him. Another heaving sigh.  
  
“Logan,” he called out to the dark room, “I’m sorry,”

He could feel tears building up again.  
  
“We should never have left you alone. We were petty and stupid and it was all my fault,” he choked out.  
  
Virgil felt chills under his skin. He burst out, stammering his improvised speech as he slowly sat down on the dusty floor. The others joined him, speaking out their own mistakes and their own apologies, until they grew quiet, sitting in a circle in the room of their dead friend.  
  
It was too late and they knew it. They knew they should have said it when Logan was alive and they knew part of the reason they went here was to ease of their own guilty conscience. It was selfish, but there’s nothing else they could do.  
  
They never realized how much silence there would be in the world.

Once the sun came down fully and moonlight shone through the window, they decided it was time to go. They each left gifts on the floor of Logan’s room: a handwritten story from Roman, a blue knitted scarf with gleaming silver constellations from Patton, an empty jar of Crofter’s filled with paper stars from Virgil, a beautifully painted scene of the night sky from Remus, and finally, a vintage music box from Janus. They all said their goodbyes to Logan, promising to visit someday.

When Virgil sat back into the driver’s seat and started the car, he gave one last look at the old Star house. For a second he thought he saw a glimpse of his old friend, standing by the window of his room, giving them a sad smile, but when he blinked it was if he was never there. Virgil shook his head and brought his attention back to the street. He’ll come back, he decided, at least to keep Logan company. It was the least he could do.  
  


He whispered a final goodbye to the house and drove off with his friends into the night.

**Author's Note:**

> 2/10 not enough ghosts, too many regrets. Check me out on tumblr @mr-scandalous! Please tell me what you think :> :> :>


End file.
